in between

parallel lines no longer aligned
like twin magnetic poles repelling in different directions 
all the hoaxes i mistook as signs
all the decodings and all my reactions
2 lines in opposites
2 souls or lack of it
left me in a hole dug deep
neither living neither buried

i'm alive but i'm not
solemn eyes, heart rot

mania

excuse me my moment of temporary insanity
prompted by a fleeting meeting
engulfing me in my deepest flaws

this momentary glum will soon passed
welcome, new apathy
embrace my downfall

girl in october

4. 

the scale is broken

sometimes i'm okay, sometimes i'm not

right now i'm not

right now it's a lot

what a weakling

can't even handle a small thing

can't even handle existing

6. 

peace disruptor

chaotic calm

my tears in my laughter

i'm irritable right now

the sound at the end of a cordless device

disturbs the serene of my life

if any

 

13.

they come in bouts

unprovoked, unannounced

it's a mess, i'm a lost cause

whether we meet and whether we don't

whether i'm spiralling around or spiralling down

a one sided grief he doesn't know about 

14.

another sleepless night

running thoughts of mine

another curiosity kills the cat

the cat shows it's bedtime

my eyes refuse to close

my mind refuses to shut

done all my do's and don'ts

it's just not working out 

15.

dull ache over the left side of my chest

over the one on top of mind of mine

i care much more, pretend it's less

again and again, time over time

will this ache ever go away

my sentimental soul, adamant to stay 

17.

friendship grief

no one ever said how bad it hurts

one moment you're friendly

next moment you're not

the quiet becomes loud

the loud becomes a lot 

thoughts of september

1.

is my mind clear

and are yours cloudy
if i give it up
would you just let me
if i switch off the lights
will the dark be comforting
and if i stop liking
will that make a good ending

2.
purr purr 2 companies
to accompany my melancholy
on my sofa sipping water
my mind sprung out from underwater
a muse brought forth
from my muses, broken
my hand has spoken
what's left is a token
of a feeling questioned
the rhymes of my demons

3.
what if i dream of an ordinary life
nothing too special, nothing too much
just content and to feel enough
not in a race, not in a rush
will that be okay
dreams are dreams and dreams are crushed
if courage is to just keep living, will i be misjudged

4.
what's a year of healing
compared to a lifetime
what's yours is forgiven
mine is yet to arrived
what more could be hidden
alive and in plain sight
what's in a poem
make it make sense in a rhyme

5.
let it go, leave it to the Lord
grieve your sorrow today, hope for a better tomorrow
the loss of a company, oh what a blow
the end is here, i choose to follow
that path that's righteous, take that step and go
parallel strings will lead to nowhere
when i'm here and you're there
cherish the moments, fondle the time
what's yours to keep, what's lost is mine

6.
two's a company, more than two's a fun time
in serene and in beauty, nature is divine
distraction, it might be
whatever works for me
i win and you win
it's the peace we're trying to find within
ourselves, spend the weekend
time is golden, use it as best you can

7.
missed the timing, poem to be written
missed the times we, begged borrowed stolen
i spent all my energy
finally slept like a baby
but what goes before eyes closed
and what goes before eyes open
in my mind the same-old person
in my dreams the same-old burden

8.
is it the social media fasting you do once in a while
haven't seen you on screen for sometime
and by sometime, might have been a few days
by a few days, made me felt all sorts of ways
i might fast too, but i'm not that strong
put up an act, it lasted this long

9.
a flicker of the moon
a flicker of my thoughts
some days i assume
some days thoughts are nought
some days i daydream and overthink
and some days i think of nothing

10.

11.
some days i'm dormant
some days i might just burst
i will cry face down so they won't see the tears
so they will just disappear
today's just not the day

12.
PMS - pitiful moody self
why am i so sad
why am i so sensitive
when will i feel glad
my tears are decorative
tomorrow couldn't come faster
so that i may feel happy again

13.
joy out of sorrow
hope for tomorrow
the time i borrowed
was not mine to spend for
focus on today
the past has passed and the future awaits
my rhymes match my thoughts
all over, distorted, a hangover galore

14.
a penny for my thoughts
a dollar for my secrets
i'll share them if you ask
i don't want to keep them
got 'em locked in
when i'm trying to burst out

15.
thoughts are consuming
and emotions are high
why is giving up so hard
what else should i try
show me more so i can put out this flame
take the vow, and it will be never again

16.
i'm a hollow
and he fills the void
nothing personal, nothing serious
when i'm whole again
i'll be able to let go
of the memory bank kept closed

17.
18.

19.
my songs are running out
like my time and my bliss
it is what it is
my will and my desire
to live till the hour
depletes less and less
what a mess

20.
day 20 it's getting nearer
what once was anticipated is now an event feared
crisis of the middle aged
the time just passed as though we were late
you can never chase the seconds that ticked away
you can't change what had happened yesterday
my thoughts, my feelings, my heart of today
is mine to take control of, comes what may

21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.

29.
i'm barely holding on

30.
turn a new leaf
turn a new me
live in the present and let things go
take away sad times
take away sad rhymes
force a smile and enjoy the show

the idea

the idea is fantastical

a strange fantasy

an illogical make believe

a made up string

a fleeted fling

the idea remains an idea

suppressed down below

swimming to the surface

destroy it, save my face

leave it without a trace

teaching the mirror

if only mirrors could talk

then i might not be so alone

trapped in my own thoughts

"make it make sense" 

the undertones of those beatings

i surrender and i accept my loss

now stop filling the space of my reasonings

let me sleep

and let me be in peace

making my bed

i am guilty of lost hope

of broken promises

of forgotten dreams

of unintentional oath

one step a mistake

two steps too late

unity was a lie

of what's left unsaid

the guilt is creeping up on me

i hope you found peace

i hope your blood kin never encounter those of me

some deserves better

and some couldn't be better

forgive me

i'm trying to forgive myself

the pathological grief

i grieved in my sleep

tears swelled over closed eyelids

they came unannounced, the scenes of the deep

from the past to the future, the pangs still hit

even in dreams i am yet to get over it

sometimes dreams are the realities, and the reality is just something you dream of ?

maybe 

no one's there

as i swallow the pills

in my fever state
i can almost hear a whisper from within
"i'll take care of you"

...

will it be as pure as white as snow
or will it be as lush as green can be
will there never be turmoil
will there never be grief
will it be forever contentment
will i never be sad, even just a moment

i..have been staring at the ceiling for far too much

watermelon

in the name of defense
and in the name of the greater world
you did the unimaginable
of a margin you built
of the terror you provoked
yet you call yourself righteous and merciful
pen on my paper
blood on your hands
don't call it war, in this one-sided gameplan

day to day

_acceptance
some dreams are just forgotten
some dreams i don't dare to wish upon
it's easier to deal with when there are just no expectations
keep your feelings at bay, keep your heart unthreatened

_prayers
show me a life of ease
show me a life of comfort
show me a life of love
show me a life of gratitude
show me serene
show me peace
show me joy
show me release
curled on my bed, words unsaid

_shellter
my numbed shell has cracked
and my flaws are getting into my head
i used to struggle with a lack of emotions
now i'm drowning in a pool of it

the conflict

how i feel is not how i feel i should feel

how i think is not how i think i should think
how i act is not how i should or would have acted
how i am may or may not be how i am
how i write corresponds to my thoughts
but my thoughts right now are just quite a lot

PNG

1. untitled

she's buying my name on a grain of rice
who would have thought that was possible
if i bury your name in the name of forgiveness
would it all then be settled

2. drenched
getting drunk on my sorrows on a weekend just because i can
my tears flowed like the damned lady's water broke
all my wounds bled open, they glisten in crimson
lost in my selfmade maze, confused in a daze
getting a haircut, getting myself clean
i can't lose myself.. i have to win

3. senget @ LSK
the walk to the cafe
the cat has chosen me
markisa soda in my hand
with a friend who understands
she's distracted and i'm in my head
pouring words of poetry instead
hope this cafe inspires you
i hope you'll get through

grudge(s)

i don't know when a grudge will no longer be a grudge
he said it's not how, but a matter of when
will when be today, or just before my deathbed
will i ever forgive and forget
everything done, everything said
when will it be 'the end' ?

 

against me

my inner demons are snooping out

ready to strike an absolute fight
the walls i've built, standing flimsy
i've given my all, gave all my might
i don't know how to win the battles
when the battles are just me, myself & i

september melancholia

1. black blood

i bled in thick black blood
from your daggers aimed to the heart
the daggers i thought were flowers
perhaps i was crazy, perhaps i, a coward
scared to admit the truth
you were only a lie i convinced myself true

2. true lies
true lies, blind eyes
bad tries, gay guys
what i see is not as it seems
stuck in a dream
caught in a whim
what i feel, just like a meme
comic by nature, the gist in between

3. half a circle
i feel insufficient, i feel incomplete
i feel like a flower of pollen, no bees retreat
like a semicircular doughnut if there ever was such a thing
like you might be right here, are you even real, do you even exist
my mood has visited the graves down below
i don't like my thoughts when they're left on their own

4. black
i once, black in colour
worn and torn, grown in storms
the dark faded and became a murky grey
never bright as a pure white sheet
nor mighty as the ink on a parchment
just a haze, the outcome of life, washed away
love me as i am
love me as if i am enough

5. green-eyed shadow
the green-eyed shadow lurks in between the moments
its presence made known
it lingers beyond control
seeding thoughts of bitter and spite
assure myself a shadow is just a shadow
assure myself 'you are in control'

6. serene as me
serene is me
it's in my name
it's in my nature
it's what i've known myself to be

chaos breaks me
it goes against everything that i'm called
it questions the judgement of all
can i just be as serene as me

7. between my lines
do you smile behind locked sorrows
do you hide the craving of a tender relation
do you reminisce of a time borrowed
do you wonder the truth behind an illusion
do you enjoy a creature, its meows and purr
do you long and search a love of a lifetime
do you keep it all inside, a lone figure
do you read and write between the lines
do you relate to all that i've asked you
are you like me, in search of you too?

8. defeat
the stories don't end when they don't even begin
the feelings don't settle when they are not in the open
the poems don't stop when the thoughts are kept wandering
the sentiments don't die though the memories are forgotten
death is in defeat but then why am i still breathing

9. canon
strings loose, strings attached
fates aligned, never entwined
in parallels near and far
a nudge almost, a hope forlorn
the hi's and goodbye's, begone
you grew up, and i too
together, forever, but just not with you

10. a decade older
happy birthday me
from me to me
hug me from me
love me from me
take care of me
let myself be
with the worst and best of me

versus you

if it comes down to a choice

if it leads to a crossroad

if you're found stuck and lost

if a coin should be toss

i'm not worth saving for

nor important nor significant

what matters is all that's yours

out the door, leading myself, leaving the footnotes

flee is me, from the haze with grace

as it all fall into place

i'm perfectly fine, i live on my own

our lives, incomplete lyrics

never knowing what's to come

sing a ballad or a rock song

is it just me or it's a duet

are there crowds or only silence

was i offkey or just creative

my muses put on writing

when writing's no longer holding a pen

when reading's the eyes and the scroll of a thumb

no longer making sense, but where's the fun in that

half awake inspiration

what if i'd died of unknown death
before i'd a chance to forgive myself

what if the fan on the ceiling just keep spinning
i'd envy, forever its purpose known to it
what if the lights blacked out
blinding my sight but not of my thoughts
what if i say what i haven't yet
what if u are all what's about it

delusion

what if love is just a delusion
what if your voice a hallucination
what if your touch an imagination

what if your feelings a mere creation
of my thoughts, a mere disturbance
of my mind, a perception
that exist only if i believe it

and if i believed i loved you then
was i in love or was it all just an illusion