no one's there

as i swallow the pills

in my fever state
i can almost hear a whisper from within
"i'll take care of you"

...

will it be as pure as white as snow
or will it be as lush as green can be
will there never be turmoil
will there never be grief
will it be forever contentment
will i never be sad, even just a moment

i..have been staring at the ceiling for far too much

watermelon

in the name of defense
and in the name of the greater world
you did the unimaginable
of a margin you built
of the terror you provoked
yet you call yourself righteous and merciful
pen on my paper
blood on your hands
don't call it war, in this one-sided gameplan

day to day

_acceptance
some dreams are just forgotten
some dreams i don't dare to wish upon
it's easier to deal with when there are just no expectations
keep your feelings at bay, keep your heart unthreatened

_prayers
show me a life of ease
show me a life of comfort
show me a life of love
show me a life of gratitude
show me serene
show me peace
show me joy
show me release
curled on my bed, words unsaid

_shellter
my numbed shell has cracked
and my flaws are getting into my head
i used to struggle with a lack of emotions
now i'm drowning in a pool of it

the conflict

how i feel is not how i feel i should feel

how i think is not how i think i should think
how i act is not how i should or would have acted
how i am may or may not be how i am
how i write corresponds to my thoughts
but my thoughts right now are just quite a lot

PNG

1. untitled

she's buying my name on a grain of rice
who would have thought that was possible
if i bury your name in the name of forgiveness
would it all then be settled

2. drenched
getting drunk on my sorrows on a weekend just because i can
my tears flowed like the damned lady's water broke
all my wounds bled open, they glisten in crimson
lost in my selfmade maze, confused in a daze
getting a haircut, getting myself clean
i can't lose myself.. i have to win

3. senget @ LSK
the walk to the cafe
the cat has chosen me
markisa soda in my hand
with a friend who understands
she's distracted and i'm in my head
pouring words of poetry instead
hope this cafe inspires you
i hope you'll get through

grudge(s)

i don't know when a grudge will no longer be a grudge
he said it's not how, but a matter of when
will when be today, or just before my deathbed
will i ever forgive and forget
everything done, everything said
when will it be 'the end' ?

 

against me

my inner demons are snooping out

ready to strike an absolute fight
the walls i've built, standing flimsy
i've given my all, gave all my might
i don't know how to win the battles
when the battles are just me, myself & i

september melancholia

1. black blood

i bled in thick black blood
from your daggers aimed to the heart
the daggers i thought were flowers
perhaps i was crazy, perhaps i, a coward
scared to admit the truth
you were only a lie i convinced myself true

2. true lies
true lies, blind eyes
bad tries, gay guys
what i see is not as it seems
stuck in a dream
caught in a whim
what i feel, just like a meme
comic by nature, the gist in between

3. half a circle
i feel insufficient, i feel incomplete
i feel like a flower of pollen, no bees retreat
like a semicircular doughnut if there ever was such a thing
like you might be right here, are you even real, do you even exist
my mood has visited the graves down below
i don't like my thoughts when they're left on their own

4. black
i once, black in colour
worn and torn, grown in storms
the dark faded and became a murky grey
never bright as a pure white sheet
nor mighty as the ink on a parchment
just a haze, the outcome of life, washed away
love me as i am
love me as if i am enough

5. green-eyed shadow
the green-eyed shadow lurks in between the moments
its presence made known
it lingers beyond control
seeding thoughts of bitter and spite
assure myself a shadow is just a shadow
assure myself 'you are in control'

6. serene as me
serene is me
it's in my name
it's in my nature
it's what i've known myself to be

chaos breaks me
it goes against everything that i'm called
it questions the judgement of all
can i just be as serene as me

7. between my lines
do you smile behind locked sorrows
do you hide the craving of a tender relation
do you reminisce of a time borrowed
do you wonder the truth behind an illusion
do you enjoy a creature, its meows and purr
do you long and search a love of a lifetime
do you keep it all inside, a lone figure
do you read and write between the lines
do you relate to all that i've asked you
are you like me, in search of you too?

8. defeat
the stories don't end when they don't even begin
the feelings don't settle when they are not in the open
the poems don't stop when the thoughts are kept wandering
the sentiments don't die though the memories are forgotten
death is in defeat but then why am i still breathing

9. canon
strings loose, strings attached
fates aligned, never entwined
in parallels near and far
a nudge almost, a hope forlorn
the hi's and goodbye's, begone
you grew up, and i too
together, forever, but just not with you

10. a decade older
happy birthday me
from me to me
hug me from me
love me from me
take care of me
let myself be
with the worst and best of me

versus you

if it comes down to a choice

if it leads to a crossroad

if you're found stuck and lost

if a coin should be toss

i'm not worth saving for

nor important nor significant

what matters is all that's yours

out the door, leading myself, leaving the footnotes

flee is me, from the haze with grace

as it all fall into place

i'm perfectly fine, i live on my own

our lives, incomplete lyrics

never knowing what's to come

sing a ballad or a rock song

is it just me or it's a duet

are there crowds or only silence

was i offkey or just creative

my muses put on writing

when writing's no longer holding a pen

when reading's the eyes and the scroll of a thumb

no longer making sense, but where's the fun in that

half awake inspiration

what if i'd died of unknown death
before i'd a chance to forgive myself

what if the fan on the ceiling just keep spinning
i'd envy, forever its purpose known to it
what if the lights blacked out
blinding my sight but not of my thoughts
what if i say what i haven't yet
what if u are all what's about it

delusion

what if love is just a delusion
what if your voice a hallucination
what if your touch an imagination

what if your feelings a mere creation
of my thoughts, a mere disturbance
of my mind, a perception
that exist only if i believe it

and if i believed i loved you then
was i in love or was it all just an illusion

i wanna hug my younger self

i wanna hug my younger self

i wanna tell it will get better

i wanna tell her she's able to be happy for herself

i wanna tell her it isn't so bitter anymore

i wanna tell her i'm proud of her

i wanna tell her little changes is strong enough

i wanna tell her growth takes time and that's okay

tears and sorrows will pass someday

your youth is yours and the lessons are ours

what's to come are uncertain, what's sweet, what's sour

live on, live life 🤍

mindplay

i saw u in a dream

we've never met

but why did it feel real

why did it feel raw

why did i refuse to open my eyes

i didn't even get your name

short meet in a bus

but buses don't run forever

it could have been a rest stop

it could have been the end

i woke up in a daze

an afternoon midnight

i supposed i'm healed

when i wouldn't mind going back to that place

instead of the tears and broken wings

i remember friends and happy feelings

i guess it's true that time will heal

as true as the curse, she was killed

remained a breathing corpse

who gets to live again

fading bruises with hope remains

mixed signals

grey is between black & white

frozen between fight or flight

ice blended nor liquid nor solid

a fleeting thought the fits and misfits

if out of sight is it out of mind

that grey between u & i

a little bit of a little bit

i feel a little sentimental

a little bit lonely

a little bit sad

a little bit empty

a little bit dead

a little bit of not a lot

a little bit of what's not

i feel it i feel it not

life thoughts

life as is ;

life to live

life to feel

life to give

life after ;

that matters

that favours

thats actual

o.o

raise your hand if you've ever cried reading your own thoughts lol

the evolvement of what started as an english project turned to mini journal

oh the growth

have i grown tho ?

closure

the border of dreams and reality
the border that we exist in

same but nought

different in thoughts

feelings familiar

will there ever be closure

vivid dreams as eyes closed

blurred, that glare of reality

the grasp of wind - the impossible feat

no time will tell what fate will

- that forgotten lifelike dream

linger

after grief and after loss
one thing i miss most
the feelings that were my own
live in between
can we forsee what we've seen
can we unknow what we've known