grudge(s)

i don't know when a grudge will no longer be a grudge
he said it's not how, but a matter of when
will when be today, or just before my deathbed
will i ever forgive and forget
everything done, everything said
when will it be 'the end' ?

 

against me

my inner demons are snooping out

ready to strike an absolute fight
the walls i've built, standing flimsy
i've given my all, gave all my might
i don't know how to win the battles
when the battles are just me, myself & i

september melancholia

1. black blood

i bled in thick black blood
from your daggers aimed to the heart
the daggers i thought were flowers
perhaps i was crazy, perhaps i, a coward
scared to admit the truth
you were only a lie i convinced myself true

2. true lies
true lies, blind eyes
bad tries, gay guys
what i see is not as it seems
stuck in a dream
caught in a whim
what i feel, just like a meme
comic by nature, the gist in between

3. half a circle
i feel insufficient, i feel incomplete
i feel like a flower of pollen, no bees retreat
like a semicircular doughnut if there ever was such a thing
like you might be right here, are you even real, do you even exist
my mood has visited the graves down below
i don't like my thoughts when they're left on their own

4. black
i once, black in colour
worn and torn, grown in storms
the dark faded and became a murky grey
never bright as a pure white sheet
nor mighty as the ink on a parchment
just a haze, the outcome of life, washed away
love me as i am
love me as if i am enough

5. green-eyed shadow
the green-eyed shadow lurks in between the moments
its presence made known
it lingers beyond control
seeding thoughts of bitter and spite
assure myself a shadow is just a shadow
assure myself 'you are in control'

6. serene as me
serene is me
it's in my name
it's in my nature
it's what i've known myself to be

chaos breaks me
it goes against everything that i'm called
it questions the judgement of all
can i just be as serene as me

7. between my lines
do you smile behind locked sorrows
do you hide the craving of a tender relation
do you reminisce of a time borrowed
do you wonder the truth behind an illusion
do you enjoy a creature, its meows and purr
do you long and search a love of a lifetime
do you keep it all inside, a lone figure
do you read and write between the lines
do you relate to all that i've asked you
are you like me, in search of you too?

8. defeat
the stories don't end when they don't even begin
the feelings don't settle when they are not in the open
the poems don't stop when the thoughts are kept wandering
the sentiments don't die though the memories are forgotten
death is in defeat but then why am i still breathing

9. canon
strings loose, strings attached
fates aligned, never entwined
in parallels near and far
a nudge almost, a hope forlorn
the hi's and goodbye's, begone
you grew up, and i too
together, forever, but just not with you

10. a decade older
happy birthday me
from me to me
hug me from me
love me from me
take care of me
let myself be
with the worst and best of me

versus you

if it comes down to a choice

if it leads to a crossroad

if you're found stuck and lost

if a coin should be toss

i'm not worth saving for

nor important nor significant

what matters is all that's yours

out the door, leading myself, leaving the footnotes

flee is me, from the haze with grace

as it all fall into place

i'm perfectly fine, i live on my own

our lives, incomplete lyrics

never knowing what's to come

sing a ballad or a rock song

is it just me or it's a duet

are there crowds or only silence

was i offkey or just creative

my muses put on writing

when writing's no longer holding a pen

when reading's the eyes and the scroll of a thumb

no longer making sense, but where's the fun in that

half awake inspiration

what if i'd died of unknown death
before i'd a chance to forgive myself

what if the fan on the ceiling just keep spinning
i'd envy, forever its purpose known to it
what if the lights blacked out
blinding my sight but not of my thoughts
what if i say what i haven't yet
what if u are all what's about it

delusion

what if love is just a delusion
what if your voice a hallucination
what if your touch an imagination

what if your feelings a mere creation
of my thoughts, a mere disturbance
of my mind, a perception
that exist only if i believe it

and if i believed i loved you then
was i in love or was it all just an illusion